Emotionally Dead

This is a self therapy post because of the way I am feeling.  If you don't like when people think out loud and have a whinge, then don't read on.  If you do read on and choose to be negative, keep it to yourself because I have enough of my own negativity floating around at the moment for both of us.

What do you do when you get to that point when you have been pushed away or starved emotionally for so long that you no longer want to be around people. Or your walls become so high and so thick you feel that you don't ever want to come out again.  

For some it is just too little too late and I don't know how to change that.  

For years I have fought for emotional and physical support and I think I have well and truly passed my breaking point to where now I just feel numb.  I have begged, pleaded to be wanted and loved the way I deserve and it never came and now I don't even care.  I don't care any more that I am considered unimportant or just another purchase.  A bargaining chip to be used against my children as emotional blackmail.  Maybe that was the plan all along, wear me down, turn me into mush so that life was easier.

I feel as if I have failed my children and created emotional wrecks instead of the strong independent beings I thought I was building.  I have realised they no longer need me in their life.  They need their dad for their material stuff but they have no need of me because all I can provide is emotional support, and they don't want that from me, they get it from their friends.  They want cars and computers and phones etc.  I try to make light of it all and make jokes about my job being done now, it kills me.  It kills me inside that they don't see it, they don't see what I need,  They don't see how much I need to be their mother. What do you do when this point in your life comes?  How do you make yourself feel needed or necessary?

What an emotional rollercoaster this is.  

I am still sitting on 89kg now.  I can't eat properly nor do I want to.  I've lost interest in everything.  Even the approaching Christmas holiday holds no joy for me yet.  Christmas was ruined for me years ago with the children being yelled at for being excited on Christmas mornings, told they were greedy, selfish and spoiled.  Yelling at the monsters you yourself created!   Fighting and worrying over the cost of it all.  How can you get excited when all you do is dread the energies around you.

 I don't like this place I am at the moment.  I don't feel sorry for myself and I certainly don't need sympathy.  I am angry.  Angry I gave in to everything I said I wouldn't.  I've allowed my children to be spoiled, I allowed myself to be undermined every step of the way and I allowed myself to be walked over and emotionally battered for far too long.  That's what it is, I am angry.  But how do I change it? I have been this person for too long.  Always afraid of upsetting the applecart and making waves.  Never wanting to hurt other people or make too much noise.

I thought I was tough once,  I thought I was strong.  I have tried to be.  I wanted my kids to be proud of me and I especially wanted my daughters to learn to be strong but loving women.  Instead they are afraid to love, afraid of being hurt and my son seems to not want to get too close either.  What have I done to these amazing human beings?  How can I help them if I can't even help myself by putting myself into a stronger place?  How can I be a good mother after I have allowed them to be ruined?  How do you turn back time and prevent this journey in the first place?

I keep thinking of Marilyn Munro's quote, but my own version:  "You didn't want me at my lowest, you sure as shit don't deserve me at my best"

Two weeks down

It is amazing the different emotions I go through from day to day.  The worst has to be frustration.  It's over a month now since I've had to stop taking my HRT and I'm really noticing a difference in how I handle things emotionally.  I don't!

I'm finding I am becoming more and more frustrated with the tiniest things and very easily.

I don't want to be involved in anything at the moment, all I want to do is spend time cleaning and arranging the house and I can't even do that, so, as you can imagine, I haven't been in a very good frame of mind.

I hadn't noticed much change in my weight at all since coming home from the hospital, but then again, I haven't been using much energy either until this last week.

So, I'm now down to 90kg, that's a total of 15kgs down.

Now the measurements:

Bust:       42 1/2"        (Down 1")
Waist:     42"              (Down 2")
Hips:      47"              (Down 1/2")

Neck:   15"                (no change)
Upper Arm:   15"      (up 1/2")
Upper thigh:  27"      (Down 1")

All in all not a lot of change from a week ago so I'm thinking I might start doing my measurements each fortnight then move to monthly for a while.  I think it will be so much more encouraging to watch big changes.

 Now for the horrible photos, but I need these, they show me why I am putting myself through all this.

I really do dislike pictures like this, they're not flattering at all, but they are the cold hard proof of just how big and unhealthy I am, or was, and what I am working with.

But at least I can do myself up now and feel half decent :)  I don't mind puting photos like that up because I haven't felt like dressing up in a very long time :)

Not a good day

So, I am now a week post op and have lost no weight at all since.

My mood is absolutely shocking at the moment.  I am not feeling sorry for myself but I am feeling extremely angry at the world and the lack of support I get.  Doing one job a day, after being nagged, is NOT helping at all and it's really knocking me out.

My stomach is still quite sore but nothing I can't handle. Thinking I may just have to get in and do it all myself so that it gets done.  We have a house inspection on Friday and I can't see me having everything done that needs doing, not at this rate.

I'm still not eating much, I just can't get enough in.  I haven't had what I would call a 'full' feeling but have been hungry a hell of a lot.  There is something that isn't being satisfied and that is not helping the way I feel either.

I can't get help from my partner because he went out for his Army training on the weekend and badly dislocated his shoulder, poor bugger.  I swear the Universe really has it in for us sometimes.  It seems every time I have surgery something happens to John as well so we are both useless lol.

I have been trying to research good healthy recipes etc.  Not just Vegan foods or Paleo etc, but a broad range, otherwise I won't follow the diet.  But I don't want to just do this for me, I wish I could share everything with others and help others eat better so that they didn't have health or weight issues.

I can't wait to get out and walk with Shadow and start enjoying the sunshine but I'm still too sore and so always feeling like it's never going to happen.

Well, sitting at my computer feeling like shit isn't going to help so I better get moving. 

Here's to hoping this day gets better.  I'm glad I do have somewhere I can whinge and vent and have others understand, otherwise I think I would go nucking futs!

1 Week post Bariatric surgery

I'm still sore in the tummy muscles but feeling brilliant.

I would do this again in a heart beat.

I've had no illness, a small amount of nausea on the first day but that's it.  Very sore and bruised tummy muscles, which I think is to be expected.

Still only taking in fluids but they are full fluids so I'm almost never hungry.

So far, since the first day of speaking with Dr. Chisholm, I have lost 14 kilos.  I am so happy with that.

I can put my arms down to my sides without it hurting!!  I've not been able to do that for 2 years!

I don't think others realise how much of a difference this makes to me.  The rolls of flubber are still there, but much smaller.  and I am looking forward to them going all together.  It's just so funny that now I notice things like sitting in the hairdresser chair I had my elbows INSIDE the chair!  I didn't have to adjust the way I sat at all! Normally I would need to move my right arm in and out and up and down until I found a comfortable spot that didn't push on my scar tissue!  This is probably a big part of why my emotions are high at the moment.

I'm no longer taking HRT or Anti Depressants.  I don't need them.  I'm stronger than I've felt in a very long time and I'm seeing the world a lot clearer than I have for a long time.  I know it is going to take a while for my emotions to settle and the pain in my body.  And I know I will have down days as well as good, but I truly don't care!

I made a decision that was right for me and has done amazing things for me in just one week and that makes me proud :)

Now, for the yukky stuff.  If you do not like photos of middle aged, rather obese women, then don't look!  These are so others wanting surgery can see how things go, but also for myself, so I can feel proud of each achievement.  If you are an ugly person and feel the need to put me down that's fine, that's who you are and is up to you.  But I will say this,  I can lose weight and be, what I FEEL, is beautiful inside and out, but you will still be ugly, so think about that first.

So,  Week 1,  Measurements and photos.

Neck: 15"
Bust:  43"
Waist: 44"
Hips:  47.5 "
Upper arm:  14.5"
Thigh:  28"

The Day is getting closer

I had my last visit today with my Bariatric specialist, Dr Jacob Chisholm, and he is very happy.  In the almost 4 weeks since seeing him I have lost 7kg, I think that is around 14 pound in the old scale, and I think he was quite surprised lol

My ultrasounds were good but my TH3 levels are very low and my gallbladder has sludge, which may turn to stones later, but apart from that everything else is a go :)

I had my mum with me this time.  I know she has been really stressed and worrying about it, you're never to old to be your Mammy's baby, so I thought it would be nice if she could meet him and ask anything that was really worrying her.  I am pretty sure she is feeling much more positive about the whole thing now, which is a huge comfort to me.  I may be almost 50 and I know it's my choice, but it's not nice to worry your parents no matter how old you are :)  especially when you are close as we are.

So, now, time to think about what to take into the hospital with me.  I know I am going to take advantage and sleep as much as possible lol but I think I will take my hand sewing with me to work on.

This is starting to become real now and I am starting to become so positive and can feel the confidence already starting to lift.  Now to find the strength to make sure I don't let Anyone take that confidence away again.

I think it might also be a good idea to start taking some photos for my befores and afters.  I'm sure they will be interesting lol

2 more sleeps

I had my last visit today with my Bariatric specialist, Dr Jacob Chisholm, and he is very happy.  In the almost 4 weeks since seeing him I have lost 7kg, I think that is around 14 pound in the old scale, and I think he was quite surprised lol

My ultrasounds were good but my TH3 levels are very low and my gallbladder has sludge, which may turn to stones later, but apart from that everything else is a go :)

I had my mum with me this time.  I know she has been really stressed and worrying about it, you're never to old to be your Mammy's baby, so I thought it would be nice if she could meet him and ask anything that was really worrying her.  I am pretty sure she is feeling much more positive about the whole thing now, which is a huge comfort to me.  I may be almost 50 and I know it's my choice, but it's not nice to worry your parents no matter how old you are :)  especially when you are close as we are.

So, now, time to think about what to take into the hospital with me.  I know I am going to take advantage and sleep as much as possible lol but I think I will take my hand sewing with me to work on.

This is starting to become real now and I am starting to become so positive and can feel the confidence already starting to lift.  Now to find the strength to make sure I don't let Anyone take that confidence away again.

I think it might also be a good idea to start taking some photos for my befores and afters.  I'm sure they will be interesting lol

The day is getting closer

Well, only 4 more days before a whole new journey starts. 

I've had my Endoscopy and everything was fine, and I've also had my ultrasounds on my liver and pancreas and I dare say I will hear about those results when I see my surgeon on Wednesday.  So, it's all systems go by the looks of things.

I can't stop thinking about it and the changes it's going to bring for me.

I can already feel my confidence growing and even the negative comments I am still receiving, thinly veiled with "but I do support you" comments, are not having any effect on me now.  I am so determined.

My whole life I have let everyone else control me and lived for everyone else, don't get me wrong, there were occasions where I put myself first, but very few and far between, it's not how I was raised.  Where did it get me?  Walked over and taken for granted.

That won't be happening any more.  I'm slowly but surely taking back my power.  I have always been great at empowering others and encouraging others, well now it's time to take a dose of my own medicine.

These are some photographs of me from the last couple of years.  Reminders to myself of why I am going to put my body through this.

They don't show the painful part, the emotional reasons, they don't need to, I know that part inside. I have put on another 15kg since these were taken, then lost, then put on another 10 and so on it goes.

I turn 50 in October, 2015, I promise myself that I will be in the best possible shape by then.

I have three absolutely incredible children who are just starting to sort out their own path in life and I want to be here for a very long time to enjoy watching their journey and, hopefully, that of their children.

So, now another countdown starts, 4 more days :)

It's a Date

Yay!  My surgery date has been set for November 7th, one month away.  I'm so excited.  Not for surgery of course, but for getting my next chapter in life going.

First up will be the endoscopy, then visits to the psychologist, the dietician and a GP.  All of this is before my actual surgery date.

I'm looking forward to starting 2015 as a whole new person with a much better outlook on life.

I've joined a couple of groups online that are for 'Sleevers' as we are called lol and it is interesting to see what other people have done, how they have coped, what they have gone through.

The one constant I have noticed is that everyone has been successful :)

Aside from the occasional person who has had a lot of pain post surgery, or trouble with flavours etc, everyone is happy they have had the surgery done.  That in itself gives me such a great feeling.

It does feel strange still that I have made this completely and utterly selfish choice to do this.  This operation is completely for me, because I want it done, and that feels really strange.  I feel guilty, but, at the same time, I am not backing out.

I know I need this and I know this is exactly what will give me back the 'me' I used to be.  I know that I will be happy once I get used to everything.  I already feel my confidence returning and that is huge for me.

Beginning the change

Today was my first visit with the Bariatric Specialist, Dr. Jacob Chisholm, such a nice person.

Hubster came with me today for my initial consultation, just to make sure everything was good I think, and it's nice to have him there in case I forget to ask about something, which usually happens ;)

Initially, when I first mentioned that I wanted to take this path John wasn't happy with the idea, but he thought I was looking at gastric banding.  After the visit today and speaking with the doctor himself and reading up I think he has seen just how much thought I have put into this and it isn't some quick cure-all but more a reset button for me.

Times like this I am glad we have paid thousands of dollars over the last 20 years in private health cover, it comes in handy that's for sure.

I can't help but feel excited now.  I feel like I am going to have somebody who is fully on my side through this next journey I have chosen to take. That other 'somebody' being the surgery.  I realise to some that this whole process and my way of thinking is probably strange, but this is not about anybody else but myself and it is for myself.  This is the first totally selfish choice I have made in my adult life and it feels strangely exciting.

I know it is not going to be walk into hospital a size 22 and walk out a size 10, and I am totally fine with that, but what it is, is the beginning of my promise to myself that by the time I turn 50, next year, I will be in the best physical and psychological health possible.  I have made this promise to myself for the last 3 years and now I am taking steps to ensure it happens.

It is going to be interesting going through Christmas dinner, that's for sure hehe, perhaps pureed Christmas pudding and custard will be it lol  At least I will know inside that it won't be my last and that my next will be even healthier and happier :)

Take a look at the latest Fantastic PartyLite specials on my page :)

Go or No Go

So, spanner in the works, damn it.

It turns out the surgeon that my GP gave me a referral to charges $2,000 above the schedule fee, that is how much we would be out of pocket!  If you're reading this in another country you're probably thinking 'big deal' because your health system isn't as good as Australia.  But, here in the grand ole land of Oz we pay big bucks to private health insurers and high taxes so that we DO have a good health system.

So now it's a case of how to afford it.  I set up a 'Go Fund Me' post but didn't launch it.  Then I thought of selling my show winning one of a kind baby dolls, but I can't bare to part with them.  I can't get a job no matter what or where I try,  not that I'm giving up on that front.  And my candle business is still in its early stages where it is still costing me money to build up my stock and customer base.  grrrrr, and everything looked so bright for a while there.

Then the hubster tells me that he has chosen not to have lasic surgery on his eyes because of the cost, yep, that pretty much seals the deal of letting go of my surgery, he knows there is no way I would put myself above any member of my family.    Admittedly, the eye surgery is because he doesn't want to wear glasses any more and I want surgery so that I don't get diabetes, heart attack or cancer because of this stupid gene.  So, yes, the reasons are quite different lol,  but the end result is still the same.  Once the guilt trip is laid there is no way to unlay it as anyone knows.

So, where to go now, well, I will keep looking for somebody who will perform the surgery within the schedule fee and hope they are a great surgeon.  I do have one Ace up my sleeve in a teaching hospital who are world leaders in medicine etc so I will be ringing them next to see what their fees are like.

So, the light hasn't been switched off, just dimmed a little.

So much out there

I have found so many books and write ups regarding weight loss surgery.  One of those books is "Ultimate Gastric Sleeve Success" written by Dr. Duc C. Vuong and published in 2013 or 14.  I would swear it was written for me!

So much of what is written about what has lead to this decision and how life has been etc, etc,  that is is almost a picture from my life!  This, of course, makes it even easier to read and enjoy because I can relate to so much.

I purchased e-books so that when the time comes and I do go into hospital I can have them all with me :)

I'm starting to get excited at the prospect of not only losing weight but not being uncomfortable any more!  And having energy again :)  that is something I really do miss.  It shows in all aspects of my life but especially in my home!  You could eat off my floors once, but not any more.  I just don't have the energy to put in the effort needed to clean like I used to.

I can't wait to see what my implants look like and my scars once the excess weight goes too.  I'll be able to put my clothes on and take them off without it hurting and, hopefully, the pain of just touching my right scars will go quickly as well, that is going to be a monstrous benefit to me.

I still haven't even seen the specialist yet, not until October 10th, but just going on what my GP says I am definitely a candidate for successful surgery so I just want to stay positive and think about the path ahead :)

A new chapter

Well, haven't I been slack! I can't believe I have ignored my blog for so long, still, it really is more just a record of how I have gone more for myself and my family I guess, not interesting to the rest of the world lol

So, now I am venturing on to another life journey.  This one should be very interesting indeed.

As most would know, with a concoction of drugs in my system over the years, along with depression and anxiety, lack of hormones etc, etc, blah blah,  I have gained an incredible amount of weight! So much so that I am now in a situation where I am uncomfortable doing the most minor things and I don't sleep well so I'm tired all day and blah blah, on it goes in it's self consuming vicious little circle.

Well, after much research, soul searching and discussions with my GP I have opted for gastric surgery.  WOW!  I can hear the gasps and "don't do it's" from here!

This is my journey, my world and my future I am thinking about.  Nobody else will be going through it and nobody else knows how I feel or what I am going through day to day.  And, in the end, it is my decision.

My weight gain has made it difficult for my surgery to heal well and so I am still in constant pain and discomfort, so much so I often just feel like crawling into a hole and pulling a lid over.  There are many people out there who are in constant pain through Fibro etc and they really can't do much about their pain, and I truly feel for them.  But I have options and choices and ways out of this pain and I intend to do it.  I intend to make myself feel better and be pain free.

I have opted to go with the Gastric Sleeve idea.  It is done laproscopically and is only a couple of nights in hospital.  The difference between this operation and others is that this is permanent and doesn't need to be fiddled with afterward :)

Many gastric surgeries in the past have had countless horror stories and experiences follow them so it has taken me a very long time to come to this decision but it is now made and on the 10th of October I will see the Gastric specialist for my very first visit.  I'm definitely not looking forward to a fluid diet for a week before surgery because, being such a large eater, I just know I'm going to be the bitch from hell......................oh weight, situation normal................ ;)  .............. and, yes, I did deliberately use that 'weight' rather than 'wait'.

So, soon I will start taking measurements and weights and disgusting pictures and will start keeping track of this new part of my journey.

I always said I want to be in the best shape possible by my 50th in October 2015.  So, now I am making positive steps to have this dream met :)

I know this is a drastic measure to many and many who read this will not agree with me, but, do you know what, this is my body and I am doing this for me :)  it is a simple (albeit cheating) means to an end.  The hidden benefit is that after surgery, if my depression doesn't die down quickly enough, I won't be able to binge :)  and that is a huge win for me in my eyes.

So, you can either support me or not, I don't mind really because I'm not doing this for you :)

Love and Light