Hello old friend

I'm thinking that I may stop writing in here soon.  I'll see how I go.  I didn't want this to be a blog full of woe-is-me bullshit and wanted rather to be encouraging and uplifting.  This last week has been harder though.  I'm finding the constant nagging discomfort and pains are really bringing me down inside.  The last two days the expander on my right side has felt really 'stuck' and I can't seem to shift it.  The pain behind the incision scars has been worse too, quick sharp pains followed by long burning pains.  Pain killers are only touching the surface.  I think I'm so scared of getting addicted to them  or damaging my body that maybe I'm not taking enough of them often enough, I don't know.  I think the fact that I'm so tired at the moment and can't sleep properly, even with restavit, probably isn't helping me much.

I don't want to whinge and whine like a bloody sook but I think I just need to.  I'm scared if I complain to hubby too much he'll start getting closer to women at work who worry more about him than theirselves, so I try not to say too much, and I don't want to make my children scared of finding out if they have the same defect so I don't say too much to them either.  So, dear diary, it is you who have to take the brunt of my self pity moments and put up with my sooking.

I try to see the bright side all the time and remind myself at least I won't get cancer now, but it really doesn't do much for me at the moment when I'm so uncomfortable.

I think I have found a tatoo I really like too, this may be the one, but done with the colours of both Breast and Ovarian Cancer, what do you think?  

THIS PHOTO DOES NOT BELONG TO ME, I FOUND IT ON GOOGLE!!

I've noticed that I seem to 'want' to hear about everybody elses woes at the moment so I can forget about my own.  Hey, each to their own I guess lol, saves drinking or smoking or some other diversion hey.

I'm getting super excited about seeing Spiral Dance live this weekend.  I wish it wasn't fancy dress, but, never mind.

Okay, dear diary, I've had my moment of complaining and self pity, now onwards and upwards again.  Time to go do my hair and put on a face and see that everything is right in my little world.

Sending out the Love and Light to all on this gorgeous winter's day.

It continues

I didn't realise it's been so long since my last post.

I guess I don't write much because it is all pretty much the same day in day out.  I am still quite sore today.  Everything was starting to settle but I went on a holiday down to Wodonga which meant 12 hours in the car each way!  I guess all the driving, changing gears and bouncing around on the road was not a good idea after all because since then I feel like I am back at square one.  The pain and constant aches are driving me nuts.

Here are some photographs from our trip over to Wodonga.

Sunrise just outside of Blanchtown

Houseboats at Dawn

The Border between South Australia and Victoria.

Our gorgeous Wedge Tail Eagle.  We saw dozens on the trip but never had the camera ready! Murphy's law...lol... Thankfully my camera has a decent zoom on it so we could at least catch one!  For such a large bird they really are quite timid and bloody fast to get away.

Sunset as we were approaching Finley, I think.  This was behind us........

.........this is to our left......

....and this is what we were driving into.  I wish the colours were captured more clearly.  I took dozens of photographs but none of them really did justice to the amazing pastel colours that were hanging in the sky.  Absolutely breathtaking.

I have been for my final check up with the breast surgeon that took my breast tissue and he explained to me why I am so sore.  Because my breast were so wide the tissue actually expands under the skin back to under my armpits, towards my back, and so when they take your tissue, to be safe, they cut way past the actual breast tissue.  This means that the muscles near my shoulder blades as well as my sides and chest were also cut and that is why it has been so sore.  He was suprised when I told him I had expanders in, I think he thought they would put the implants in straight away.  But, all in all, he was very happy with the way everything had gone and with the way everything is healing. 

Since the trip my chest feels so much tighter, like I have something squeezing me all the time. My right side is especially sore, but I get stabbing pains throughout the actual cutting scar and in the 'cleavage' where it's stitched to my sturnum, it feels like it tears every now and then.  I know it's not, but that is how it feels.  The most horrible feeling though is the feeling of the 'clicking' of the expander bags on my ribs.  Even breathing is painful at times because of the bags getting caught on the ribcage, well that's how it feels.  And when I walk and breath I can consciously feel them clicking as if they are creased on the bottom and they expand and flick the seam straight when I breathe in and then crease again when I breathe out.

I wish I could be so happy.  I do keep a happy face on though.  No point in bringing people down all the time, it would only make me feel worse.  Plus, I don't want my girls scared to have the operation if they need to. 

I just want to get back to normal.  I want to get a job and start earning money.  But every time I think about it a small voice inside my head says, "what's the point"  because I still have another stupid operation to go yet and then time to get over that one.  Thankfully it is a much smaller operation though and should only lay me up for a short period of time, so that is something to look forward to :)

On an up note, I am attending a weekend training course for Hypnotherapy.  I'm sure it will be very basic but I'm hoping it will stir the fire in me and help get me going again.  It's my dream to have a little office somewhere and help people with this amazing skill.  I know I will be great at it and I know hypnosis can help in so many ways so I just need that break to get me going.

Well that's chewed the fat and I don't think there is anything else to say for now because nothing else has been happening.  I still can't stretch my arms to full length and I keep overdoing it and getting the strangest stomach churning pulling feeling on the muscles hehe, that's a real wierd one, but they will get there with use (and the help of flexall I hope ) .