Tis the night before.........

Well, working with plaster bandage is different that's for sure.  We did a cast and I had no idea just how little room there was between my bust and my waist these days!  I wanted to bend in half so that everything was more.......umm.......rounded I guess you could say ;)  I told the family I could make new nut bowls that way :)  rather than serving platters......hmmm.... oh well, it will be interesting to do another casting in 12 months just to see how much I have changed.

It's less than 12 hours now until I go into hospital.  I'm hoping I get taken in really early and don't have to just sit there for hours on end like my sister did.  I can't stand not being able to have a cup of tea in the morning so I just know I'm going to be grumpy.

I'm just not looking forward to the bloody drips, I hate them! 

I have some nice new pj's and fluffy slippers, and a dressing gown that I've embroidered the back of with "Cancer can Kiss my Arse" hehe  and a fist holding a ribbon.

I've also cut out a poncho type shape in some warm fleece just to keep things covered but easy to get to.

I'll be taking all the essentials as well, computer, phone, ipad, knitting.......lol....  couldn't go without all the electronics and craft!!!  crikey, that'd be like living without light I think...haha

Well, I'm off now and hopefully my next blog will be that all is done and I'm right as the milk  :)

Till then.....toodles

Not Now!

I can't believe it! less than four days until my op and I have managed to catch a cold! So pissed off.

On the up, the house is looking lovely and clean and I've been able to start working on our vegy patch thanks to my wonderful hubby getting a guy in with a huge digging machine.  I have lots of yummy seeds germinating now, peas, cauliflower, broccoli, leek and spring onion.  And I have some purple carrot and purple okra seeds on their way to me now.  I've also started creating little patches in the garden I'm calling my Angel gardens :)  They will be set up to represent our loved ones who have passed. I know it's not our house yet but I keep hoping that one day it will be, then I won't have to dig anything up and move it :)

The family seem to be just about as ready as I am to get this operation over and done with.

I asked my sister, "how did you cope when the time got close?"  and she said on the night before she just cried, but up until then I think she must have just kept busy.  Although, having said that, it never leaves your mind.  It's always there.  Every time you look in the mirror you just know you'll never look the same.  When I go shopping with my mum, I look at beautiful clothes and then think to myself, "why buy, I don't know what size my body will be next week"  little things like that are always on my mind. 

But the biggest thing is still how will I feel about myself.

It's a strange feeling being a 'Previvor'.  Yes, we have a label.  It's a label for those who are high risk and choose to be pro-active in preventing cancer.  But it is still strange none the less.  I almost feel like I'm chickening out, or ripping off those who actually Have cancer.  I understand now what my sister meant when she said the same thing.  I read the horror stories and they are all so sad.  The struggle so many woman have gone through with these horrid diseases.  The pain and illness and, in a lot of cases, the loss of their fight.

I'm still debating with myself about doing the plaster cast of my torso.  I know if I don't do it I will regret missing the opportunity, but it's the actual act of sitting there, bare chested, in front of my family.  This is where our mental mistake of the breast being a 'sexual' item comes to play.  I have worked hard over the last 12 months re-training my thoughts about my breast and what they truly are.  They were a vessel to nourish my babies when they were born and nothing more.  And if I can keep that thought then I know I have nothing to worry about.

I am thinking of doing a cast now and another in 12 months just to see the difference.  I am planning on making March 27th my 'Re-Birthday'.    I wonder if that means I can look forward to another 21st? ;)

Well, off to the doctor now to see if we can knock this cold on the head quickly.  I want to get on with my life.

Toodles the noo.

Counting Days

So now I'm down to 13 days, 12 hours 50 minutes and so many seconds.  Not that anybody is counting.

I've been out and bought a nice pair of snuggly pj's and a new fluffy pair of slippers.  Hospitals can be so horribly cold, especially when you are bored to tears at night and can't sleep and you just want to walk around.

I'm spending more time online in the Pink Hope website at the moment now.  It makes me more happy about the decisions I have made with this BRCA1 thing.  I read horror stories about these poor ladies who weren't diagnosed in time or others that ignored the warnings and now it's too late.  Such a sad loss.  And reading the heartbreaking stories of the pain the family members are going through watching their beloved mother's hair fall out and knowing she has less than 6 months in your life!  I could not do that to my children, or my husband, or my family.

The hardest thing to get people to realise with this is that it's not a case of 'if' I get cancer, but a case of 'when' and I can't and won't live like that and I'm sure my family don't want me to either.  They would also have to sit there and wonder "is mum's scan going to show something this month".  I don't want that weight on their minds, not at their ages especially.

The reason I live and breathe every day.  I am so blessed to have a husband who wants to work hard to support his family and three of the most amazing human beings I will ever meet as my children.  They make me proud every single day with everything they do and with who they are.  They are the reason I chose not to fool around and take the risk that I 'might not' develop cancer, not when all the medical research showed that is was more a case of  "yes you will".