I can't believe it! less than four days until my op and I have managed to catch a cold! So pissed off.
On the up, the house is looking lovely and clean and I've been able to start working on our vegy patch thanks to my wonderful hubby getting a guy in with a huge digging machine. I have lots of yummy seeds germinating now, peas, cauliflower, broccoli, leek and spring onion. And I have some purple carrot and purple okra seeds on their way to me now. I've also started creating little patches in the garden I'm calling my Angel gardens :) They will be set up to represent our loved ones who have passed. I know it's not our house yet but I keep hoping that one day it will be, then I won't have to dig anything up and move it :)
The family seem to be just about as ready as I am to get this operation over and done with.
I asked my sister, "how did you cope when the time got close?" and she said on the night before she just cried, but up until then I think she must have just kept busy. Although, having said that, it never leaves your mind. It's always there. Every time you look in the mirror you just know you'll never look the same. When I go shopping with my mum, I look at beautiful clothes and then think to myself, "why buy, I don't know what size my body will be next week" little things like that are always on my mind.
But the biggest thing is still how will I feel about myself.
It's a strange feeling being a 'Previvor'. Yes, we have a label. It's a label for those who are high risk and choose to be pro-active in preventing cancer. But it is still strange none the less. I almost feel like I'm chickening out, or ripping off those who actually Have cancer. I understand now what my sister meant when she said the same thing. I read the horror stories and they are all so sad. The struggle so many woman have gone through with these horrid diseases. The pain and illness and, in a lot of cases, the loss of their fight.
I'm still debating with myself about doing the plaster cast of my torso. I know if I don't do it I will regret missing the opportunity, but it's the actual act of sitting there, bare chested, in front of my family. This is where our mental mistake of the breast being a 'sexual' item comes to play. I have worked hard over the last 12 months re-training my thoughts about my breast and what they truly are. They were a vessel to nourish my babies when they were born and nothing more. And if I can keep that thought then I know I have nothing to worry about.
I am thinking of doing a cast now and another in 12 months just to see the difference. I am planning on making March 27th my 'Re-Birthday'. I wonder if that means I can look forward to another 21st? ;)
Well, off to the doctor now to see if we can knock this cold on the head quickly. I want to get on with my life.
Toodles the noo.
On the up, the house is looking lovely and clean and I've been able to start working on our vegy patch thanks to my wonderful hubby getting a guy in with a huge digging machine. I have lots of yummy seeds germinating now, peas, cauliflower, broccoli, leek and spring onion. And I have some purple carrot and purple okra seeds on their way to me now. I've also started creating little patches in the garden I'm calling my Angel gardens :) They will be set up to represent our loved ones who have passed. I know it's not our house yet but I keep hoping that one day it will be, then I won't have to dig anything up and move it :)
The family seem to be just about as ready as I am to get this operation over and done with.
I asked my sister, "how did you cope when the time got close?" and she said on the night before she just cried, but up until then I think she must have just kept busy. Although, having said that, it never leaves your mind. It's always there. Every time you look in the mirror you just know you'll never look the same. When I go shopping with my mum, I look at beautiful clothes and then think to myself, "why buy, I don't know what size my body will be next week" little things like that are always on my mind.
But the biggest thing is still how will I feel about myself.
It's a strange feeling being a 'Previvor'. Yes, we have a label. It's a label for those who are high risk and choose to be pro-active in preventing cancer. But it is still strange none the less. I almost feel like I'm chickening out, or ripping off those who actually Have cancer. I understand now what my sister meant when she said the same thing. I read the horror stories and they are all so sad. The struggle so many woman have gone through with these horrid diseases. The pain and illness and, in a lot of cases, the loss of their fight.
I'm still debating with myself about doing the plaster cast of my torso. I know if I don't do it I will regret missing the opportunity, but it's the actual act of sitting there, bare chested, in front of my family. This is where our mental mistake of the breast being a 'sexual' item comes to play. I have worked hard over the last 12 months re-training my thoughts about my breast and what they truly are. They were a vessel to nourish my babies when they were born and nothing more. And if I can keep that thought then I know I have nothing to worry about.
I am thinking of doing a cast now and another in 12 months just to see the difference. I am planning on making March 27th my 'Re-Birthday'. I wonder if that means I can look forward to another 21st? ;)
Well, off to the doctor now to see if we can knock this cold on the head quickly. I want to get on with my life.
Toodles the noo.
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