On March 27th I will be admitted to the Burnside Hospital here in Adelaide. I will be having a double mastectomy and reconstruction.
This part has scared me so much. I have always been big busted and it's always been 'who' I am.
Because of the way I grew up, with so much attention paid to my bust, it is hard not to think that by losing them I am losing myself. I don't think like that willingly or even consciously, but I know it's the biggest part that is affecting me.
My sister is so inspirational. She had her bust done about two or three years ago now and looks amazing! But then she always looks amazing. It was her that encouraged me to journal what I am going through because she wishes now that she had done this.
I try to make jokes about getting a boob job done and having a nice new 'rack', things like that, but down inside I am screaming. I am so scared and every day I feel like I'm getting more and more wrapped up in my fear of 'what if' and how am I going to look.
I will be using the same surgeon and plastic surgeon that my sister had and they did a wonderful job with her. That's a huge plus.
It's other things that worry me. What if I'm ugly to my husband. Will he still want to touch and hold me. I know he is super supportive and the love of my life, but that doesn't stop the 'what if'. How am I going to feel about myself. I don't have a good self image now, what am I going to think of myself after the operation.
Because of my size I am going to have a large scar they have told me and this is a huge disappointment. I thought they just cut around the areola, pull everything out and work through the hole. But they can't do that with me because there will be too much lose skin and so they have to slice all that away as well.
Well, it's a journey I'm on and need to see through to the end. One thing I am sure of, I will be glad to know that after all of this I only have the same risk as anybody else without a gene mutation of developing cancer, and that has got to be the silver lining.
This part has scared me so much. I have always been big busted and it's always been 'who' I am.
Because of the way I grew up, with so much attention paid to my bust, it is hard not to think that by losing them I am losing myself. I don't think like that willingly or even consciously, but I know it's the biggest part that is affecting me.
My sister is so inspirational. She had her bust done about two or three years ago now and looks amazing! But then she always looks amazing. It was her that encouraged me to journal what I am going through because she wishes now that she had done this.
I try to make jokes about getting a boob job done and having a nice new 'rack', things like that, but down inside I am screaming. I am so scared and every day I feel like I'm getting more and more wrapped up in my fear of 'what if' and how am I going to look.
I will be using the same surgeon and plastic surgeon that my sister had and they did a wonderful job with her. That's a huge plus.
It's other things that worry me. What if I'm ugly to my husband. Will he still want to touch and hold me. I know he is super supportive and the love of my life, but that doesn't stop the 'what if'. How am I going to feel about myself. I don't have a good self image now, what am I going to think of myself after the operation.
Because of my size I am going to have a large scar they have told me and this is a huge disappointment. I thought they just cut around the areola, pull everything out and work through the hole. But they can't do that with me because there will be too much lose skin and so they have to slice all that away as well.
Well, it's a journey I'm on and need to see through to the end. One thing I am sure of, I will be glad to know that after all of this I only have the same risk as anybody else without a gene mutation of developing cancer, and that has got to be the silver lining.
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